l Three accountants were in the bathroom, standing at the urinals.
The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used 3 paper towels and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two accountants, he said, "At Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third accountant finished, pulled up his zipper and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Shah & Patel, we don't piss on our hands."

l A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him for confession."
NEVER EVER BE LATE

l Mr. & Mrs. O'Donovan were walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "You did that, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.

Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out your fookin' candle!!"

l A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

l The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'
The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'
Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'
Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'
Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'
Satan says, 'Man I don' t believe this .. Hold on.' This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone and IIT connection between heaven and hell between ME and GOD. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla, Jalebi, Idli, Paan shops, which I had to stop..I am requesting you OH LORD PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".
So this is the story why Indians are the only ones who are re-born!!!

l Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work:
Did you have good sex last night?
No. It was a disaster. Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes.. How about you?
Oh it was amazing. My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had half an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.
At the same time their husbands are talking at work:
Did you have good sex last night?
Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another half an hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

l Why Golf Is Better Than Sex'
A below par performance is considered damn good.
You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
Foursomes are encouraged.
You can still make money doing it as a senior.
Three times a day IS possible.
Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.
You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

l Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year Ravan was very happy from the bhakti of Pappu.
Then Ravan decides to give 3 vardans to Pappu.

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?
PAPPU: I want 100 vardans.
RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans
PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.
RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.
PAPPU: No I want 100 means 100
RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.
PAPPU: Ok! But what 3 I will ask, you will give me definitely?
RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.
PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.
RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.
PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass...!!
RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...
PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

l A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and Applause!!!

A week later, a top manager trained by the Motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke At home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to His wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!”
The wife went; “ahhhh!” with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed.

Moral of the story…
Don’t Copy if you can’t PASTE